Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.  No other people had been seen for days.  Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree.  The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost.  Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down other side.  Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, yah ah bacon tree.  Trust me.  For nutting vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.  Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader.  He manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool!  You sent us to our deaths!  We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree.  Just hundreds of Indians.  They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute."  He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.  It vuz not a bacon tree.  It vuz a ham bush!"

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again
the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she
started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine."

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, He paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00. The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman. Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow.......... BASIC COW .............................$500.00 Two tone exterior ..............…......$45.00 Extra stomach .....................…....$75.00 Product storing equipment ……...$60.00 Straw compartment ..........….....$120.00 4 Spigots @$10 ea ..........….......$40.00 Leather upholstery .........….......$125.00 Dual horns ......................…........$45.00 Automatic fly swatter ......……....$38.00 Fertilizer attachment .......…......$185.00 GRAND TOTAL .....................$1,233.00